Unlike my friends, I am not exactly ecstatic to be there, but I am not exactly reluctant either. I had hoped that I could attain some experience and if not, maybe just to familiarize myself with the workplace. You know, to prevent culture-shock or something like that.

Somehow, that night in the hospital, the white coat felt heavy on my shoulder and kind of suffocating. From the moment I walked out of my friend’s car to the moment I entered the hospital, I literally have to drag myself towards the hospital. Of course, the fact that I was wearing additional of two layers inside and all my money and hp were in the coat’s pocket did attribute some weight… Anyway, I sort of felt the burden that’s I am going (if God permits) to bear if MD is ever going to be written beside my name.

Honestly, the moment I entered the labor room, I felt like fainting and running away. I don’t know how relief I am when my senior guide us out of the labor room. Of course, that fact disturbed me. I thought I could handle it, but I could not. Honestly? I did not dare to even look at her 10cm opening, and the blood that I know is there. I use my friend’s body as a shield. I only looked at the pained soon-to-be mother’s face and the worried face of the soon-to-be father.

They sort of remind me of my parents. Now I know why ONLY husband is allowed in the labor room. This is no room for little kiddies, well, except for the cute ones inside the mother.

Reminds me, I still haven’t told my mom and dad about the hospital visit.

Then, after a few moments I stopped being worried.

Why?

I quickly make a reality check. I am still a first year. I don’t have enough knowledge, and even enough experience to be there. I am just not quite ready yet. InsyaAllah, I will be ready next time. I just don’t let the fact bother me and prepare myself.

Reminds me, my next visit to hospital is on the 16/1/12. Only 7 days more.

Okay, maybe not the next times, maybe I’ll be ready the next, next time.

K, have to go and do my presentation…

p/s: my psychology notes are piling up and glaring at me for not studying them.

Its Sunday 2 in the morning.

So, I went to the hospital today. Just come back from the HTAA a few hours ago actually.

To be honest, I am speechless.

Why? Because today, I visit the O & G ward. Obstetric – the branch of medicine that deals with the pregnancy, labour and after labor (around 3 weeks I think). Gynacology – the branch of medicine the deals with the disease of female’s reproductive tract or issit urogenital tract? I seriously need to check back my book. Bah!

One of my friends, she get to see like 5 delivery (sambut baby), but me?

I went to the labor room, but the mother is the first timer so, she has been ‘pushing’ for like 3 hours before I came to see her. Sakit giler! Darling, the mother is pushing like mad, fighting for her and your life… This is what the senior said about the ward being an eye opener for people like us. Be grateful to your mom. Please.

No, I didn’t actually get to ‘see’ her or the baby. I expect it’s going to be long night for that mother. She’s still pushing by the time I leave the room.

I admit it, I am afraid.

Sori, havetogo to sleep… I promise that I’ll try to update sooner.

“And death greets him and they both part together as friends.” This is a quote from HP7book.

Wouldn’t it be great if we are able to hear the word “peace be upon you,” from the angel of death?

Someone told me that “wouldn’t it great if we could die without any sins at all?”

Indeed, it would be great. But that’s not the reality.

Everyone said that they are afraid to die, mostly, due to the amount of sins that they have. People say this again and again. Repeatedly.

Afraid to die? Are you kidding me? No, of course you are not. People say “I am afraid to die”, as if they would die when they are 1000 years old. Pffr.

What are the values of us just uttering these words, words on fear of death?

I mean, are you going to do anything about it? If you are not, then your worry on fear of death is meaningless. Fear of death, but continue to live your life like you would not die. The few examples of people like these are:

Example one: “We love living in this world and would like to live here forever. But, if we have to die, I hope that it will be after we’ve gone to hajj.”

Example two: “We love making sins in this world (nauzubillah), but we are only sorry if we get caught (or die while doing it)”

Okay2, let’s get this straight. I am only dissatisfied with people who just speak words but do absolutely nothing about it.

It’s just that I am sick of people saying things that they don’t mean, or things that they won’t do.

......

Onto a happier note:

So, I gave my cat’s 4 kittens a bath.

So, I gave each of them a bath in turn. Honestly, the little ones are harder to control than the big ones. I mean, at least the big ones, it is easier to GRAB them (when they tried to get away).

The little ones… sigh…

I don’t exactly mind that the little ones tried to get away. However, the fact that they tried to get away, by climbing on top of me, that I mind. I have scratches to prove it.

So, I sneeze and sneeze and tried to clean them at the same time. One little kitten (looks more like a rat now, especially with that red nose) insisted that it stays on top of my neck while I clean the rest of his/or her siblings.

So, I clean the ‘rat’ last. However, when it’s his/or her turn, it refuses to go down. I can feel its claw digging through my shirt and onto my skin. So, dripping wet from cleaning the others, I grabbed the shower and clean it while it stayed on my neck (thankfully, I managed to put some ‘pest-free’ soap beforehand).

Done, I opened the bathroom door and pass the kitten to nabil’s awaiting hand before closing the door again. It’s my turn to take a bath.

Let me tell you, these kittens… they are different from other kittens. I mean the rat… that thing like to snuggle against you and play with newspapers. There’s one that look a little hyena-kitten mutant likes to play with your ‘kain’. The yellow-white one likes to sleep on you. The black-white one loves to stay invisible.

Now, they are sleeping under the dining table. Good.

....

Me and my family (RJL: My family and I..) have been watching iryu season 1,2,3... suddenly, heart surgery seems VERY appealing to me.

P/S: Though, I warn you, DO NOT watch iryu episode1season1. I warn you. DO NOT watch it. I quickly delete it from my laptop and the recycle bin. Just don't.

I was in the Grand Hall, listening to my sponsor’s briefing when I read yesterday’s hematology lecture notes. I was going through the anticoagulant process when I found one sentences that startled me.
I stared at these words, a bit shocked. Fibrin orchestrates its own destruction.

Fibrin is a coagulant that’s used to stop bleeding. However, after fibrin has finished its purposes, fibrin itself conducts its own destruction process. Something about these words makes me feel… unsettled.

I still have yet to figure out why. I mean, the first thing that came across my mind would be the angel of death. I compare the angel with fibrin. Both of them orchestrate they own destruction. The angel of death would take his own life in the hereafter, when the angel had finished his job. Just like fibrin.

Both kill their own self, because that’s their final job.

Fibrin has to kill itself in order to prevent thrombosis. The angle of death kills itself, and that makes it as the final living being to die in the hereafter. Both are willing to kill themselves, because God told them to. And they follow the commandment. They follow God without any question and with no hesitations.

Are you willing to sacrifices yourself for God? Do you follow each and every of God’s commandment without any hesitation at all? Do you trust God with your life and death?

Why then do you trust God?

…

Let me change the subject for the moment. Sometimes, I don’t remember and don’t know the reason why I am writing this in this blog.

Is it to express my thought for the day? Or is it to release the tension? Or is it just to share the few knowledge that I think is worthy to be shared with who knows who?

Here I am, behind my desk…writing.

I know about flaw. We all have it. Heck, I have plenty of it. I admit that. And I apologize beforehand if my flaws had offended anyone. Truly, it is unintentional.

This is just few random thoughts that enter my head.

So, I have short of 2 weeks before my final bock exam. I do try to cramp as much lecture notes in my head as soon as I could. I tried my best. I don’t want to blame for my lack of effort/ usaha. I know that at least I’ve tried my best.

The rest is just the occasional doa and tawakal. Menang atau syahid! Allahuakbar!

Me, Myself and I

Peace be upon all of us.

Before that, let’s us go back to the equation that we learn in Mathematics (Form 4) entitled ARGUMENT 1:

Form 1: Human is selfish.

From 2: I am human.

Conclusion: Thus, I am selfish?

Or

Form 1: Some human are selfish.

Form 2: I am human.

Conclusion: I may be a selfish person?

Hmm, I still have yet to master this equation…. Even I don’t get what I am trying to tell u guys.

Anyway

I admit that I have been very selfish lately. I’ve neglected some of my duties with another human and also with Allah.

Truthfully, last two weeks have been rather depressing. Last week is my first ever mini-test as medical student. All the 14 batches above us went through the same first mini-test (FMT). A little bit of history about this FMT. FMT has the history of making medical students cry and ask for study-leaves. The first week I was here, most of the seniors’ advice me: Just, don’t cry if you receive a fail in your FMT okay? It’s normal.

The norm is that, only 30% out of the whole batch is expected to pass this FMT. Our batch, the AVANT-GARDE (roll eyes), about 72 out of 137 pass FMT. So, about (now, I am channeling dr. saad) 50% pass this FMT. Yes, congratulation to our batch for breaking the norm!

So, the last 2 weeks, books and books are all that’s in my mind. Sigh. I have sworn to myself that I would not be like someone who “study” all the time. Because, I KNOW that I would go crazy if I did. SPM examination thought me so much about studying and madness.

No wonder some meds students are so grumpy all the time.

(Honestly, if you have some friends who’s taking med, don’t be surprised and offended if they are grumpy all the time. They don’t mean it. Just, try to cheer them up. We need that.)

Plus, I have this tendency to compare myself with others. I know what my abilities and my limits are. Some people are gifted with more abilities and hardly any limitation at all. So, unconsciously I would compare and contrast, and most of the time, I am not happy with what I found out.

Not just in term of intelligent or in studying. But, other aspect as well… Yes, I am VERY grateful with what God has already given me. Alhamdulillah, but, as I have said in my previous post, human is very dynamic. It’s human nature that we kept on wanting to improve ourselves. So, it’s not wrong for me to want to improve myself.

I mean, InsyaAllah, I can do it, if I strive harder. I mean, the best of my classmates are human too right? I am also human, thus, why can’t I gain knowledge as easy as them? I can do it!

Just remember: usaha, doa and tawakal.

In term of selfishness… I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone. Not just during the past few weeks.

3 WEEKS INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL: The reason to stay.

Studying to be a doctor is hard. Period. To tell you the truth, I think that I’ve learned more things in this past 3 weeks than I did when I stayed at home for 7 months.

Right now, I’m feeling a bit sad really. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing this.

Do you want to know why I chose to be doctor? It’s because I want to feel the pain and hardship in living as a student. I thought that if I want to feel the pain that bad, that why don’t I changed to medical course? And I did. Weird reason right?

You’ll understand once you read on. Hopefully.

Some people whine when they went through little, if not a lot of hardship. A cartoon show once thought me that everyone had their own share of hardship. NO EXCEPTION.

It’s a pity that I learned this from a cartoon show rather than from the quran and hadith.

So, I learned that: life is synonym to hardship. We will face hardship. It will come sooner or later. So, why do you fight, deny or hate something that will come anyway (hardship)?

Why won’t you embrace the hardship, and accept hardship as part of your life?

At one point of my life, I learned this, and slowly my point of view of life changes.

Student’s life is hard, no matter which course you are in. And I thought that if student’s life is going to be hard, why don’t I just choose the hardest one yet? (Yes, I am a bit crazy)

I mean, life is just once for all of us. If paradise, which is eternal happiness is going to be your target in the afterlife, why don’t you chose to live in a lifelong hardship (well maybe not life-long…)?

It is only right that we balance the two: Hardship in life and Happiness in the hereafter. See? Balance.

Life to me is all about learning and actually growing up. If every single day, we act worser or same as yesterday, isn’t that just wasting your time and life? I mean, it’s like you do not learn anything from life and mistakes. Honestly people.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not pain-addicted. I do hate them occasionally (My brain laughed at this). But, I try to be rational and accept the situation and try to make the best of it. And I started learning that whines are just noises to people’ ears (it’s okay to do it once in a while, just not EVERY SINGLE DAY).

That’s why I am alright with the situation I am now. Situation being: I have lots of books and notes that I haven’t go through. Plus, I have only 24 hours a day. Just like you.

Currently, it’s 3.11am, Monday of 3th october2011. I planned on not sleeping tonight, plus drinking one more cup of Nescafe. NO, I didn’t do this occasionally. This is my first time actually (though, I doubt that it’ll be the last.)

So, let’s give du’a for all of us that Allah gives us more knowledge and akhlak for every single day for the rest of our life. Amin.

p/s: But darling, PLEASE, DO NOT ask for hardship to come. If you do, I fear that you will somehow found your limit. Really.

Me cat is dead

One of my cat is dead.

God, it is so depressing to do anything for the moment. I mean, labi is dead, just like that.

No warning, no nothing. Just one day, you are out going to Johor for holiday. And a few days after that, you came home and you found out that this happen.

So, l open my phone and check any video or picture that I have on labi. And it is not helping at all. God, I am so pitiful.

You know the one thing that makes me mad? It is that labi had to die alone. I am not there at all. I found the place where it died, it is full of furs and A LOT of DEAD WORMS.

You hear me? Dead Worms!

God, this is so depressing.

The five stages of acceptance. DABDA. Denial. Anger.Bargain.Depression.Acceptance. I practically skip the first three.

But, the way she died…. My father said that she died because of the lack of food. We did gave them enough food. We gave them one whole bag of friskies. The friskies could feed three cats for 2 weeks!

I blame the stray monkeys and other cats that stole the food from labi. But the food… god, the food.

Maybe, labi don’t eat the friskies. What if… Maybe If I…There are so many ifs. What if we let labi inside the house? What if? What if is no more, because she is DEAD.

Sometimes, I hate what God wants life to teach us. I guess that I need time to absorb it all.

I just hope that I could see labi again someday.

I want to believe that I will see her, labi again in heaven or at the akhirat. Maybe. InsyaAllah, Amin.

I want to believe that God is there with Labi the day she died.

I want to believe that Labi is not alone.

I want to believe that God is Merciful.

Only hope that prevents from acting negatively on this unfortunate event. Only hope.

Funny, only now I understand a little bit why some people say that ‘without hope, we die’.