A thought at 3am in the morning of the First June

The truth is what I wanted to is not only become a muslim doctor but also become a respectable lecturer that student would get inspired from. I like being a teacher… It is rewarding in the least. I like giving… 

Although, I think I have a problem with the only giving part… Hmm, true muslim would not have that kind of problem right? I mean, just give.. that’s what the Prophet thought us right? Hmm, I really should set my niat straight. I wanted to do it because I wanted God to love me and for The Prophet to smile at me when he saw me in Mashyar… 

God, I don’t know the future but you do. Plus, you control it. You can change a person’s future If you want to... I know that you love your servant more than any love of humans capable towards anything else. You are God. You are creator of Love. You are full of Love. Love me, God. Love us, God. More importantly, Forgive me. Forgive us. Please accept us back God. We were wrong.

Please accept us back God.

You have promised us heaven. You have but we defied you then. And you forgive us then.

And human are capable of doing it again. And we need you to forgive us again if we ever do it. And this is where human is weak. We need you. We are weak and unable to fight against the ENEMY. 

We are worthless and shameless. We do bad things and we expect you to accept us again and again. We have done too many faults, too many sins that I think the tears of fear and prays for forgiveness seemed is not enough. It is not enough to pay you back for your kindness. And to guide us God, we cant do it without you! Please God, have Mercy. Don’t let our lives be wasted on this land of Lies. That’s what you call Earth right? Places of lies and full of masked happiness. 

We defy you, yet you gave us love, you gave us Your air, Your food, Your creation. We turned our back to islam, and yet You still loves us. 

How can we not love You back, God?

So, you think you’re so clever?

 I was about to study about the virus, non genetic and genetic interaction between virus, of, and viral replication I and II. Though, I have to revise about the opportunistic mycosis, systemic, superficial and the precious spirochete (ricketsia)… tomorrow’s tutorial.

I feel so proud.

I feel so awesome (-_-l!)

I feel so good for knowing these things, for being clever.

When you feel so good, it is dangerous. Human makes mistakes, a lot of them. When you feel good, the tendency to do bad things, especially to God, by forgetting Him, is A LOT. 

But, He created you, to simply tell you that He could.

Then, why do you pray late for Subuh? If you don’t feel superior to God, if you fear God for His Power, then you would not dare to defy him, at all.

Not even once.

Dear humankind,

 I challenge you to use your intellect, your body to create another HUMAN out of nothing. Do not use the female’s reproductive organ, or others. Do not use anything.

That’s how Allah created you. God have Power. You don’t.

If you cannot do it, then, what’s up with the big Ego?

Fear Him, for His Power. Love Him, for His Mercy. Granted, God still loves you no matter how many times you turn your back at Him, no matter how many times you condemn God with your action.

He still loves you.

Did someone say foolish wand-waving?

Let’s talk about making choices.

… and how they change your life forever.

Choices, choices darling… oh, how I love and hate making choices.

One choice that I make, for example is when I choose to LIVE. I think someone told me that all HUMAN have promised God during the ALAM ROH to live and serve Allah, right? Technically, WE are the one who ask Allah to live on this earth, right? And Allah GRANTED OUR WISH. 

Though, I think God gave us amnesia since we all could not remember any of it. I hope He returned back the memory when we die though, I mean, aren’t you curious? Just wistful thinking, nothing more.

Then I think back, hey, choosing to live is a big deal. A REALLY BIG DEAL. I mean, it’s literally a one in a lifetime opportunity, I mean; you live once and die only once right? .......just read on.

And then, to live as a khalifah and abd? Now, this is a GREATER deal than just living. I mean, try asking the mountain “hey, do you want to rule the earth for me, please, pretty please, with a cherry on top.” Guess what did the mountain say? “No, thank you.”

So, since there’s no turn back from this choice of living, what to do? Well since God have said that suicide is one way ticket to HELL, so, no thank you to THAT option. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

So, since we have to deal with actually living… lets choose a pathway that does not end with us BURNING IN CRISP in hellfire and only to be revive again to be BURNED IN CRISP again, shall we?

You remember whenever you do a survey you have a choice between YES, NO AND NEUTRAL/NOT SURE? But Akhirat darling does not work that way, there is no such thing as neutral or not sure or midline border, whatever.  God simply give you two choices: HEAVEN or HELL, TO simply BELIEVE or NOT TO BELIEVE.

So, yeah.

Then, the second choice is when I made up my mind to actually learn about islam. Okay, here’s the thing. Key word, actually learn. There’s no foolish wand waving or anything. Nada. I learn knowledge for practicality. I learn so that I know what to do. I don’t learn islam for exam, stupid really. Huh, that’s a thought, learn about islam, get 100 percent but actually are ‘ignorant’ about islam. What’s the point then?

But, learning medicine for exam, yeah, I don’t deny that, but not fully for exam of course. Hey, I’m still trying here.

So, when I attend Islamic lectures or something, I tried to really understand what the lecturer is trying to say and to NOT make this lecture like my PENDIDIKAN ISLAM class in my school years. No more.

For example, I still don’t understand the tidbits about ihsan. As in, I know the definition, but I don’t really ‘KNOW’ it. I mean, at least not enough to actually implement it in every second of my life (if so, then, I would not be sleeping in the evening)

So, when I attend usrah or something. I tried to make every second count.

 If, I found myself noticing that the ‘kakak’ is talking about the same thing all over again but I still don’t get the idea, then I would ask question, I would ask her to clarify it, I would ask her to give me example, anything so that I really understand the importance of it and so that I can implement it in my life, to make the information that I get in the usrah actually meaningful for once and not just some 2 hours lecturers of nothing.

And if I still don’t get it, we postpone with tasbih kfrah and surah al’ asr and continued this conversation later.

To really learn, that’s my choice. What’s yours?

So, before, I realize that my life is a meshwork of what-on-earth-am-I-doing. Then, I realize that I really need to get a life. Then, I make a choice. I make a choice to try and be better.

And if I didn’t make any choice, then what exactly am I doing? What are you doing, darling?