I was in the Grand Hall, listening to my sponsor’s briefing when I read yesterday’s hematology lecture notes. I was going through the anticoagulant process when I found one sentences that startled me.
I stared at these words, a bit shocked. Fibrin orchestrates its own destruction.

Fibrin is a coagulant that’s used to stop bleeding. However, after fibrin has finished its purposes, fibrin itself conducts its own destruction process. Something about these words makes me feel… unsettled.

I still have yet to figure out why. I mean, the first thing that came across my mind would be the angel of death. I compare the angel with fibrin. Both of them orchestrate they own destruction. The angel of death would take his own life in the hereafter, when the angel had finished his job. Just like fibrin.

Both kill their own self, because that’s their final job.

Fibrin has to kill itself in order to prevent thrombosis. The angle of death kills itself, and that makes it as the final living being to die in the hereafter. Both are willing to kill themselves, because God told them to. And they follow the commandment. They follow God without any question and with no hesitations.

Are you willing to sacrifices yourself for God? Do you follow each and every of God’s commandment without any hesitation at all? Do you trust God with your life and death?

Why then do you trust God?

…

Let me change the subject for the moment. Sometimes, I don’t remember and don’t know the reason why I am writing this in this blog.

Is it to express my thought for the day? Or is it to release the tension? Or is it just to share the few knowledge that I think is worthy to be shared with who knows who?

Here I am, behind my desk…writing.

I know about flaw. We all have it. Heck, I have plenty of it. I admit that. And I apologize beforehand if my flaws had offended anyone. Truly, it is unintentional.

This is just few random thoughts that enter my head.

So, I have short of 2 weeks before my final bock exam. I do try to cramp as much lecture notes in my head as soon as I could. I tried my best. I don’t want to blame for my lack of effort/ usaha. I know that at least I’ve tried my best.

The rest is just the occasional doa and tawakal. Menang atau syahid! Allahuakbar!

Me, Myself and I

Peace be upon all of us.

Before that, let’s us go back to the equation that we learn in Mathematics (Form 4) entitled ARGUMENT 1:

Form 1: Human is selfish.

From 2: I am human.

Conclusion: Thus, I am selfish?

Or

Form 1: Some human are selfish.

Form 2: I am human.

Conclusion: I may be a selfish person?

Hmm, I still have yet to master this equation…. Even I don’t get what I am trying to tell u guys.

Anyway

I admit that I have been very selfish lately. I’ve neglected some of my duties with another human and also with Allah.

Truthfully, last two weeks have been rather depressing. Last week is my first ever mini-test as medical student. All the 14 batches above us went through the same first mini-test (FMT). A little bit of history about this FMT. FMT has the history of making medical students cry and ask for study-leaves. The first week I was here, most of the seniors’ advice me: Just, don’t cry if you receive a fail in your FMT okay? It’s normal.

The norm is that, only 30% out of the whole batch is expected to pass this FMT. Our batch, the AVANT-GARDE (roll eyes), about 72 out of 137 pass FMT. So, about (now, I am channeling dr. saad) 50% pass this FMT. Yes, congratulation to our batch for breaking the norm!

So, the last 2 weeks, books and books are all that’s in my mind. Sigh. I have sworn to myself that I would not be like someone who “study” all the time. Because, I KNOW that I would go crazy if I did. SPM examination thought me so much about studying and madness.

No wonder some meds students are so grumpy all the time.

(Honestly, if you have some friends who’s taking med, don’t be surprised and offended if they are grumpy all the time. They don’t mean it. Just, try to cheer them up. We need that.)

Plus, I have this tendency to compare myself with others. I know what my abilities and my limits are. Some people are gifted with more abilities and hardly any limitation at all. So, unconsciously I would compare and contrast, and most of the time, I am not happy with what I found out.

Not just in term of intelligent or in studying. But, other aspect as well… Yes, I am VERY grateful with what God has already given me. Alhamdulillah, but, as I have said in my previous post, human is very dynamic. It’s human nature that we kept on wanting to improve ourselves. So, it’s not wrong for me to want to improve myself.

I mean, InsyaAllah, I can do it, if I strive harder. I mean, the best of my classmates are human too right? I am also human, thus, why can’t I gain knowledge as easy as them? I can do it!

Just remember: usaha, doa and tawakal.

In term of selfishness… I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone. Not just during the past few weeks.