I was in the Grand Hall, listening to my sponsor’s briefing when I read yesterday’s hematology lecture notes. I was going through the anticoagulant process when I found one sentences that startled me.
I stared at these words, a bit shocked. Fibrin orchestrates its own destruction.

Fibrin is a coagulant that’s used to stop bleeding. However, after fibrin has finished its purposes, fibrin itself conducts its own destruction process. Something about these words makes me feel… unsettled.

I still have yet to figure out why. I mean, the first thing that came across my mind would be the angel of death. I compare the angel with fibrin. Both of them orchestrate they own destruction. The angel of death would take his own life in the hereafter, when the angel had finished his job. Just like fibrin.

Both kill their own self, because that’s their final job.

Fibrin has to kill itself in order to prevent thrombosis. The angle of death kills itself, and that makes it as the final living being to die in the hereafter. Both are willing to kill themselves, because God told them to. And they follow the commandment. They follow God without any question and with no hesitations.

Are you willing to sacrifices yourself for God? Do you follow each and every of God’s commandment without any hesitation at all? Do you trust God with your life and death?

Why then do you trust God?

…

Let me change the subject for the moment. Sometimes, I don’t remember and don’t know the reason why I am writing this in this blog.

Is it to express my thought for the day? Or is it to release the tension? Or is it just to share the few knowledge that I think is worthy to be shared with who knows who?

Here I am, behind my desk…writing.

I know about flaw. We all have it. Heck, I have plenty of it. I admit that. And I apologize beforehand if my flaws had offended anyone. Truly, it is unintentional.

This is just few random thoughts that enter my head.

So, I have short of 2 weeks before my final bock exam. I do try to cramp as much lecture notes in my head as soon as I could. I tried my best. I don’t want to blame for my lack of effort/ usaha. I know that at least I’ve tried my best.

The rest is just the occasional doa and tawakal. Menang atau syahid! Allahuakbar!

Me, Myself and I

Peace be upon all of us.

Before that, let’s us go back to the equation that we learn in Mathematics (Form 4) entitled ARGUMENT 1:

Form 1: Human is selfish.

From 2: I am human.

Conclusion: Thus, I am selfish?

Or

Form 1: Some human are selfish.

Form 2: I am human.

Conclusion: I may be a selfish person?

Hmm, I still have yet to master this equation…. Even I don’t get what I am trying to tell u guys.

Anyway

I admit that I have been very selfish lately. I’ve neglected some of my duties with another human and also with Allah.

Truthfully, last two weeks have been rather depressing. Last week is my first ever mini-test as medical student. All the 14 batches above us went through the same first mini-test (FMT). A little bit of history about this FMT. FMT has the history of making medical students cry and ask for study-leaves. The first week I was here, most of the seniors’ advice me: Just, don’t cry if you receive a fail in your FMT okay? It’s normal.

The norm is that, only 30% out of the whole batch is expected to pass this FMT. Our batch, the AVANT-GARDE (roll eyes), about 72 out of 137 pass FMT. So, about (now, I am channeling dr. saad) 50% pass this FMT. Yes, congratulation to our batch for breaking the norm!

So, the last 2 weeks, books and books are all that’s in my mind. Sigh. I have sworn to myself that I would not be like someone who “study” all the time. Because, I KNOW that I would go crazy if I did. SPM examination thought me so much about studying and madness.

No wonder some meds students are so grumpy all the time.

(Honestly, if you have some friends who’s taking med, don’t be surprised and offended if they are grumpy all the time. They don’t mean it. Just, try to cheer them up. We need that.)

Plus, I have this tendency to compare myself with others. I know what my abilities and my limits are. Some people are gifted with more abilities and hardly any limitation at all. So, unconsciously I would compare and contrast, and most of the time, I am not happy with what I found out.

Not just in term of intelligent or in studying. But, other aspect as well… Yes, I am VERY grateful with what God has already given me. Alhamdulillah, but, as I have said in my previous post, human is very dynamic. It’s human nature that we kept on wanting to improve ourselves. So, it’s not wrong for me to want to improve myself.

I mean, InsyaAllah, I can do it, if I strive harder. I mean, the best of my classmates are human too right? I am also human, thus, why can’t I gain knowledge as easy as them? I can do it!

Just remember: usaha, doa and tawakal.

In term of selfishness… I sincerely apologize if I offended anyone. Not just during the past few weeks.

3 WEEKS INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL: The reason to stay.

Studying to be a doctor is hard. Period. To tell you the truth, I think that I’ve learned more things in this past 3 weeks than I did when I stayed at home for 7 months.

Right now, I’m feeling a bit sad really. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing this.

Do you want to know why I chose to be doctor? It’s because I want to feel the pain and hardship in living as a student. I thought that if I want to feel the pain that bad, that why don’t I changed to medical course? And I did. Weird reason right?

You’ll understand once you read on. Hopefully.

Some people whine when they went through little, if not a lot of hardship. A cartoon show once thought me that everyone had their own share of hardship. NO EXCEPTION.

It’s a pity that I learned this from a cartoon show rather than from the quran and hadith.

So, I learned that: life is synonym to hardship. We will face hardship. It will come sooner or later. So, why do you fight, deny or hate something that will come anyway (hardship)?

Why won’t you embrace the hardship, and accept hardship as part of your life?

At one point of my life, I learned this, and slowly my point of view of life changes.

Student’s life is hard, no matter which course you are in. And I thought that if student’s life is going to be hard, why don’t I just choose the hardest one yet? (Yes, I am a bit crazy)

I mean, life is just once for all of us. If paradise, which is eternal happiness is going to be your target in the afterlife, why don’t you chose to live in a lifelong hardship (well maybe not life-long…)?

It is only right that we balance the two: Hardship in life and Happiness in the hereafter. See? Balance.

Life to me is all about learning and actually growing up. If every single day, we act worser or same as yesterday, isn’t that just wasting your time and life? I mean, it’s like you do not learn anything from life and mistakes. Honestly people.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not pain-addicted. I do hate them occasionally (My brain laughed at this). But, I try to be rational and accept the situation and try to make the best of it. And I started learning that whines are just noises to people’ ears (it’s okay to do it once in a while, just not EVERY SINGLE DAY).

That’s why I am alright with the situation I am now. Situation being: I have lots of books and notes that I haven’t go through. Plus, I have only 24 hours a day. Just like you.

Currently, it’s 3.11am, Monday of 3th october2011. I planned on not sleeping tonight, plus drinking one more cup of Nescafe. NO, I didn’t do this occasionally. This is my first time actually (though, I doubt that it’ll be the last.)

So, let’s give du’a for all of us that Allah gives us more knowledge and akhlak for every single day for the rest of our life. Amin.

p/s: But darling, PLEASE, DO NOT ask for hardship to come. If you do, I fear that you will somehow found your limit. Really.

Me cat is dead

One of my cat is dead.

God, it is so depressing to do anything for the moment. I mean, labi is dead, just like that.

No warning, no nothing. Just one day, you are out going to Johor for holiday. And a few days after that, you came home and you found out that this happen.

So, l open my phone and check any video or picture that I have on labi. And it is not helping at all. God, I am so pitiful.

You know the one thing that makes me mad? It is that labi had to die alone. I am not there at all. I found the place where it died, it is full of furs and A LOT of DEAD WORMS.

You hear me? Dead Worms!

God, this is so depressing.

The five stages of acceptance. DABDA. Denial. Anger.Bargain.Depression.Acceptance. I practically skip the first three.

But, the way she died…. My father said that she died because of the lack of food. We did gave them enough food. We gave them one whole bag of friskies. The friskies could feed three cats for 2 weeks!

I blame the stray monkeys and other cats that stole the food from labi. But the food… god, the food.

Maybe, labi don’t eat the friskies. What if… Maybe If I…There are so many ifs. What if we let labi inside the house? What if? What if is no more, because she is DEAD.

Sometimes, I hate what God wants life to teach us. I guess that I need time to absorb it all.

I just hope that I could see labi again someday.

I want to believe that I will see her, labi again in heaven or at the akhirat. Maybe. InsyaAllah, Amin.

I want to believe that God is there with Labi the day she died.

I want to believe that Labi is not alone.

I want to believe that God is Merciful.

Only hope that prevents from acting negatively on this unfortunate event. Only hope.

Funny, only now I understand a little bit why some people say that ‘without hope, we die’.

Everyone will.

It is a scary thought, dying.

Why do I fear death? Honestly, I have too many reasons to count. Let’s discuss one of them anyway.

Do you remember the time when you had a nightmare?

Do you remember the fear that you felt after the nightmare?

Do you remember the fear that makes you to think that the nightmare is real, and that all the mythical creature in your dream is real (the one that makes you want to crawl up into other people’s bed because you’re scared to be alone)?

The thing is, the creatures in my nightmares are always something I’ve never seen before, but I know at the time that it is real (when I’m still dreaming that is). Thus, I fear the creature because I do not know anything about them. I assume and fear that they are the ‘bad guys’ and will try to hurt me. And in my nightmares, they usually do.


That is how I feel about death.


I know that death is real. The thing is, I’ve never die before (statement of the century). I have no idea what or who I am going to see. I fear on meeting the unknown. I wonder what the angel’s going to look like. I wonder if I am going to tremble or smile at their sight. And I fear what God has destined for me in my grave. I fear of the unknown.

When we meet a stranger, it is custom to us to be wary and cautious of that person. That is how I feel about the angel or whoever that I am going to ‘see’ when I die. Plus, I am going to be alone when I die (another reason to fear death). I cannot ask anyone for help.

Maybe I could, but I don’t think that anyone can hear me.

I think that at the moment, I would fear and assume for the worst to happen to me. Nauzubillah.

Maybe, that is why God tells us to trust Him. Maybe that is why God tells us to trust the angel.

Trust them to do what exactly? To be honest, I don’t know. At least, I don’t have the solid answer. I am still learning you know.

I trust God.

What does that mean?

I trust the Angels.

What does that mean?

You trust the God to not hurt you in the afterlife? Is that what it means?

No.

You trust on the knowledge that He gives us about the afterlife. You trust on what He said is going to happen in the afterlife, so that you won’t fear the unknown, so that you won’t be afraid to die.

Maybe.

You trust God to love you. You trust God to be the Most Compassionate and Most Merciful. You trust God to take care of you, even after you die. You trust Him to take care of you. You trust God’s Rules. You follow God’s Rules. You trust God to forgive you, even if you don’t deserve it.

You trust God, completely, with all your life and death.

I think that that is the answer. Correct me if I am wrong. END.

103

Salam’alaik lovers,

Ahem, the topic for today will be....jengjengjeneg (?).... to make the best of EACH AND EVERY MOMENT of your life worth it. I know that I don’t do THAT. I hope that I could do that.

Honestly, the person who does that has to be THE MOST LUCKIEST person ever alive. Remeber, surah wal asr? I mean honestly, even if that person dies at this very moment, I don’t think he would even regret it.

You know, I envy those people who could speak with their every sentences accompanied with Quran and Hadith. And those people who regularly updating their blog with Quran and Hadith accompanying every sentences... but don’t get me wrong, I really respect them...

I could, you know, just copy paste someone else’s blog and put it in mine and cause you to make a simulation that I am THAT GOOD (as in religion-wise)... so, the thing is...I KNOW I AM NOT....So, I won’t pretend that I do...

One of nikmat that God gave us is that we could THINK. So, naturally every day we learn new things (am I right sis?) And I learn about surah wal asr today... It’s Awesome how that surah means so much. (Of course genius, check out who said that!)

The end.

Oh God, who is he?

Who is this beloved person that we’ve never even met but love us so much?

Who is this beloved person that cried so hard for us, for humankind?

... we’ve never even met.

Who is this beloved person that care for all of humankind?

Who is this beloved person that missed us so much?

...and why did I miss him?

Who is this beloved person that never stops forgetting about us?

Who is this beloved person that wishes us nothing but goodness?

...we’ve never even met.

Who is this beloved person that whispers our name even when he’s in pain, dying?

Who is this beloved person that is willing to take our pain, when he himself is in a
very much pain?

...and why did I miss him?

Who is this beloved person, God?

Please, let us know him. Let us see him. Let him be proud of us and to smile at us
when he sees us, please.

There are many times that I wish... that our Beloved Rasulullah is here.

Oh God, peace be upon our beloved Rasulullah.