3 WEEKS INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL: The reason to stay.

Studying to be a doctor is hard. Period. To tell you the truth, I think that I’ve learned more things in this past 3 weeks than I did when I stayed at home for 7 months.

Right now, I’m feeling a bit sad really. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing this.

Do you want to know why I chose to be doctor? It’s because I want to feel the pain and hardship in living as a student. I thought that if I want to feel the pain that bad, that why don’t I changed to medical course? And I did. Weird reason right?

You’ll understand once you read on. Hopefully.

Some people whine when they went through little, if not a lot of hardship. A cartoon show once thought me that everyone had their own share of hardship. NO EXCEPTION.

It’s a pity that I learned this from a cartoon show rather than from the quran and hadith.

So, I learned that: life is synonym to hardship. We will face hardship. It will come sooner or later. So, why do you fight, deny or hate something that will come anyway (hardship)?

Why won’t you embrace the hardship, and accept hardship as part of your life?

At one point of my life, I learned this, and slowly my point of view of life changes.

Student’s life is hard, no matter which course you are in. And I thought that if student’s life is going to be hard, why don’t I just choose the hardest one yet? (Yes, I am a bit crazy)

I mean, life is just once for all of us. If paradise, which is eternal happiness is going to be your target in the afterlife, why don’t you chose to live in a lifelong hardship (well maybe not life-long…)?

It is only right that we balance the two: Hardship in life and Happiness in the hereafter. See? Balance.

Life to me is all about learning and actually growing up. If every single day, we act worser or same as yesterday, isn’t that just wasting your time and life? I mean, it’s like you do not learn anything from life and mistakes. Honestly people.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not pain-addicted. I do hate them occasionally (My brain laughed at this). But, I try to be rational and accept the situation and try to make the best of it. And I started learning that whines are just noises to people’ ears (it’s okay to do it once in a while, just not EVERY SINGLE DAY).

That’s why I am alright with the situation I am now. Situation being: I have lots of books and notes that I haven’t go through. Plus, I have only 24 hours a day. Just like you.

Currently, it’s 3.11am, Monday of 3th october2011. I planned on not sleeping tonight, plus drinking one more cup of Nescafe. NO, I didn’t do this occasionally. This is my first time actually (though, I doubt that it’ll be the last.)

So, let’s give du’a for all of us that Allah gives us more knowledge and akhlak for every single day for the rest of our life. Amin.

p/s: But darling, PLEASE, DO NOT ask for hardship to come. If you do, I fear that you will somehow found your limit. Really.

Me cat is dead

One of my cat is dead.

God, it is so depressing to do anything for the moment. I mean, labi is dead, just like that.

No warning, no nothing. Just one day, you are out going to Johor for holiday. And a few days after that, you came home and you found out that this happen.

So, l open my phone and check any video or picture that I have on labi. And it is not helping at all. God, I am so pitiful.

You know the one thing that makes me mad? It is that labi had to die alone. I am not there at all. I found the place where it died, it is full of furs and A LOT of DEAD WORMS.

You hear me? Dead Worms!

God, this is so depressing.

The five stages of acceptance. DABDA. Denial. Anger.Bargain.Depression.Acceptance. I practically skip the first three.

But, the way she died…. My father said that she died because of the lack of food. We did gave them enough food. We gave them one whole bag of friskies. The friskies could feed three cats for 2 weeks!

I blame the stray monkeys and other cats that stole the food from labi. But the food… god, the food.

Maybe, labi don’t eat the friskies. What if… Maybe If I…There are so many ifs. What if we let labi inside the house? What if? What if is no more, because she is DEAD.

Sometimes, I hate what God wants life to teach us. I guess that I need time to absorb it all.

I just hope that I could see labi again someday.

I want to believe that I will see her, labi again in heaven or at the akhirat. Maybe. InsyaAllah, Amin.

I want to believe that God is there with Labi the day she died.

I want to believe that Labi is not alone.

I want to believe that God is Merciful.

Only hope that prevents from acting negatively on this unfortunate event. Only hope.

Funny, only now I understand a little bit why some people say that ‘without hope, we die’.

Everyone will.

It is a scary thought, dying.

Why do I fear death? Honestly, I have too many reasons to count. Let’s discuss one of them anyway.

Do you remember the time when you had a nightmare?

Do you remember the fear that you felt after the nightmare?

Do you remember the fear that makes you to think that the nightmare is real, and that all the mythical creature in your dream is real (the one that makes you want to crawl up into other people’s bed because you’re scared to be alone)?

The thing is, the creatures in my nightmares are always something I’ve never seen before, but I know at the time that it is real (when I’m still dreaming that is). Thus, I fear the creature because I do not know anything about them. I assume and fear that they are the ‘bad guys’ and will try to hurt me. And in my nightmares, they usually do.


That is how I feel about death.


I know that death is real. The thing is, I’ve never die before (statement of the century). I have no idea what or who I am going to see. I fear on meeting the unknown. I wonder what the angel’s going to look like. I wonder if I am going to tremble or smile at their sight. And I fear what God has destined for me in my grave. I fear of the unknown.

When we meet a stranger, it is custom to us to be wary and cautious of that person. That is how I feel about the angel or whoever that I am going to ‘see’ when I die. Plus, I am going to be alone when I die (another reason to fear death). I cannot ask anyone for help.

Maybe I could, but I don’t think that anyone can hear me.

I think that at the moment, I would fear and assume for the worst to happen to me. Nauzubillah.

Maybe, that is why God tells us to trust Him. Maybe that is why God tells us to trust the angel.

Trust them to do what exactly? To be honest, I don’t know. At least, I don’t have the solid answer. I am still learning you know.

I trust God.

What does that mean?

I trust the Angels.

What does that mean?

You trust the God to not hurt you in the afterlife? Is that what it means?

No.

You trust on the knowledge that He gives us about the afterlife. You trust on what He said is going to happen in the afterlife, so that you won’t fear the unknown, so that you won’t be afraid to die.

Maybe.

You trust God to love you. You trust God to be the Most Compassionate and Most Merciful. You trust God to take care of you, even after you die. You trust Him to take care of you. You trust God’s Rules. You follow God’s Rules. You trust God to forgive you, even if you don’t deserve it.

You trust God, completely, with all your life and death.

I think that that is the answer. Correct me if I am wrong. END.

103

Salam’alaik lovers,

Ahem, the topic for today will be....jengjengjeneg (?).... to make the best of EACH AND EVERY MOMENT of your life worth it. I know that I don’t do THAT. I hope that I could do that.

Honestly, the person who does that has to be THE MOST LUCKIEST person ever alive. Remeber, surah wal asr? I mean honestly, even if that person dies at this very moment, I don’t think he would even regret it.

You know, I envy those people who could speak with their every sentences accompanied with Quran and Hadith. And those people who regularly updating their blog with Quran and Hadith accompanying every sentences... but don’t get me wrong, I really respect them...

I could, you know, just copy paste someone else’s blog and put it in mine and cause you to make a simulation that I am THAT GOOD (as in religion-wise)... so, the thing is...I KNOW I AM NOT....So, I won’t pretend that I do...

One of nikmat that God gave us is that we could THINK. So, naturally every day we learn new things (am I right sis?) And I learn about surah wal asr today... It’s Awesome how that surah means so much. (Of course genius, check out who said that!)

The end.

Oh God, who is he?

Who is this beloved person that we’ve never even met but love us so much?

Who is this beloved person that cried so hard for us, for humankind?

... we’ve never even met.

Who is this beloved person that care for all of humankind?

Who is this beloved person that missed us so much?

...and why did I miss him?

Who is this beloved person that never stops forgetting about us?

Who is this beloved person that wishes us nothing but goodness?

...we’ve never even met.

Who is this beloved person that whispers our name even when he’s in pain, dying?

Who is this beloved person that is willing to take our pain, when he himself is in a
very much pain?

...and why did I miss him?

Who is this beloved person, God?

Please, let us know him. Let us see him. Let him be proud of us and to smile at us
when he sees us, please.

There are many times that I wish... that our Beloved Rasulullah is here.

Oh God, peace be upon our beloved Rasulullah.

Things We Learn

I am no expert, but at least I know this.

Once upon time, I wish to be a grown up. Now that I am old enough, the wish is not so tempting anymore.

Sometimes, I dislike how human thinks. For example, like how we’re never satisfied (...the song Maher Zain: Awaken suddenly rings through my head). I know, I know, it’s because of this very feeling that human are able to move forward and build these amazing contraptions (machine/rockets)... but you don’t indulge with it especially when it comes to your personal desire (nafsu), period.

If you play and toy around with your nafsu, it is like getting a one-way ticket to hell. Nauzubillah.

Every day, we learn new things. Among the things that I learn today is that there’s no use in regretting things, as in drowning yourself with guilt.

You see, I know that death is compulsory for everyone. Death might be just around the corner for all of us. “Setiap saat berharga,” my kak ngah said. God gives us life. Life is precious. Then, why not treasure it while you can.

I learn to value life, my life and others. I learn to be thankful, to learn to live as if life ends tomorrow, to be thankful of the little things. Little things that can make me smile for miles (anagram for smile)... mom asking to cover aurah, and our welfare, dad making breakfast, lil bro and sis help each other, talking with friends, calls from love ones, just everyday life really... Alhamdulillah!

And whenever I make a lousy choice, I don’t want to whine and drown in guilt at the decisions I make. I know that I am no longer a child. I would face the fact that I make a mistake, and that I MAKE A CHOICE.

I make a choice and LEARN from it. Then, pray for forgiveness from God, knowing He is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim. I accept that we’re not perfect, incapable of being one but must never stop in trying to be one even though there's no way that's going to happen. God is perfect. We are only human. Don’t try to play god. La-ila-ha-ilallah. There is no god but Allah.

I am no expert, but at least I know this.

We’re never alone.

It happened to me and maybe to some of you, to feel as if you are alone. I didn’t realize how wrong I was then. You see, when we admit that we believe in God, the angle and of course other pillars of iman, we are admitting that we believe that we are never alone.

I am not talking about the ufo nonsense, thank you very much. Speaking of which, I don’t believe in alien. Why? Simple, because the QURAN didn’t say so. Period.

When you encounter with someone who feel sad, depreessed, annoyed and claimed that they’re alone and thus miserable. Tell them “You say, you believe in God, angle, the Quran, the Hereafter and the Qada’ and Qadar, but how true is that statement to you?”

God is always there for you. There are angles around us. (and of cuz jin, but let’s just ignore them)

Astaghfirullah. Years before, I am among those who degraded the true value of Iman. Years before, If I read this stuff that I am writing down I would groan and says “Urgh, ustazah! there’s she goes again yada yada yada,” and turn a blind eye.

I am no expert, but at least I know this.

If Islam is a person, I can already picture her crying. Crying sadly at what’s happening at the world now. And if possible, I feel like going up to her, hug and comfort her...and also feel guilty as we too among those who cause her sadness. I would also say to her that human do no justice, when in fact Islam is very beautiful.

You know, when you met Islam. You'll fall in love with it. You see, since I was little I have this little envy. No, a great jealousy. How I envy the 'ulama, qari, ustaz. Why not? I think you know the answer already.

I am no expert, but at least I know this.

...AND LIFE GOES ON

After searching and reading through other people's blog and my own, I realized something. You grow up with the blog. As in, you can see how each person change by reading the words written by them. What they're like, what they're not. What's their weakness, and what they have achieved. Hey, at least some of them. I realized that mine's also like thaT, heh, at least I thought so. And then as usual after we read the blog we start JUGDGING them, yes? Bersangka baik... Hmm, involuntary action?

Apa-apalah.

Dah lama dah.... Apabila kita bersujud pada Maha Pencipta, kita mula menyedari perkara yang kita tak sedari, contohnya betapa kuatnya jantung berdegup. Jantung kita bukan milik kita sayangku. Jantung kita berdegup dengan sendirinya, sehingga nyawa ditarik. Kita tidak boleh mengawalnya. Untuk siapa jantung itu berdegup sebenarnya? Jantung kita pun sayang pada Penciptanya. Jantung kita sayang pada Allah, dia berdegup kerana Allah, sehingga dia sanggup mematikan diri jika Allah perintahkanNya. Apatah lagi anggota badan kita yang lain? ada sel2 kita yang sanggup mematikan diri untuk Allah. To die for Allah.

Entah betul ke tidak benda yang ana mengarutkan ini.

sel2 badan kita taat pada perintah Allah. Buat apa yang Allah perintahkannya. Untuk mengunyah, untuk berdegup, untuk berzikir. kemudian, Allah memberi roh manusia untuk mendiami badan ini. dan kita berterusan melakukan perkara yang tidak sepatutnya (nauzubillah)... dan kita merosakkan badan kita. tak perlu ana huraikan.

Baru sahaja tadi ana membaca satu kisah yang unik. Menceritakan tentang warna hati seseorang. Contohnya, kalau ana bloeh melihat warna hati ana sekarang, agaknya apa warnannya? Ataupun warna2 hati sahabat yang lain? adakah ia warna yang cantik, harmoni, ataupun adakah ia seperti warna lautan yang bercampur warna hijau, merah, putih, ataupun seperti warna gunung-ganang yang menenangkan dan sejuk? Anggaplah warna hati kita sebagai simbol akan amalan kita selama ini. dan ana pasti hati manusia yang paling cantik warnanya adalah hati Rasulullah.

My advice for now is that, we have to realize that there's a bigger world out there. It's not always about you. No matter what you do to yourself but end up not doing anything for others, you're going to end up being alone. But, we have to fix ourselves before we start helping others. Or the help will be useless.

From the jaulah that i had the last few days, i realize one thing, we need help. Even Rasulullah need help at the night of Isra' Miraj from the angel Jibril . Me, living as a sister, a daughter, a friend. I need help in fulfilling these roles. We all do. But remember, Allah ialah sebaik2 pertolongan.

Trust in Him. Percayalah dengan kuasaNya.