A thought at 3am in the morning of the First June

The truth is what I wanted to is not only become a muslim doctor but also become a respectable lecturer that student would get inspired from. I like being a teacher… It is rewarding in the least. I like giving… 

Although, I think I have a problem with the only giving part… Hmm, true muslim would not have that kind of problem right? I mean, just give.. that’s what the Prophet thought us right? Hmm, I really should set my niat straight. I wanted to do it because I wanted God to love me and for The Prophet to smile at me when he saw me in Mashyar… 

God, I don’t know the future but you do. Plus, you control it. You can change a person’s future If you want to... I know that you love your servant more than any love of humans capable towards anything else. You are God. You are creator of Love. You are full of Love. Love me, God. Love us, God. More importantly, Forgive me. Forgive us. Please accept us back God. We were wrong.

Please accept us back God.

You have promised us heaven. You have but we defied you then. And you forgive us then.

And human are capable of doing it again. And we need you to forgive us again if we ever do it. And this is where human is weak. We need you. We are weak and unable to fight against the ENEMY. 

We are worthless and shameless. We do bad things and we expect you to accept us again and again. We have done too many faults, too many sins that I think the tears of fear and prays for forgiveness seemed is not enough. It is not enough to pay you back for your kindness. And to guide us God, we cant do it without you! Please God, have Mercy. Don’t let our lives be wasted on this land of Lies. That’s what you call Earth right? Places of lies and full of masked happiness. 

We defy you, yet you gave us love, you gave us Your air, Your food, Your creation. We turned our back to islam, and yet You still loves us. 

How can we not love You back, God?

So, you think you’re so clever?

 I was about to study about the virus, non genetic and genetic interaction between virus, of, and viral replication I and II. Though, I have to revise about the opportunistic mycosis, systemic, superficial and the precious spirochete (ricketsia)… tomorrow’s tutorial.

I feel so proud.

I feel so awesome (-_-l!)

I feel so good for knowing these things, for being clever.

When you feel so good, it is dangerous. Human makes mistakes, a lot of them. When you feel good, the tendency to do bad things, especially to God, by forgetting Him, is A LOT. 

But, He created you, to simply tell you that He could.

Then, why do you pray late for Subuh? If you don’t feel superior to God, if you fear God for His Power, then you would not dare to defy him, at all.

Not even once.

Dear humankind,

 I challenge you to use your intellect, your body to create another HUMAN out of nothing. Do not use the female’s reproductive organ, or others. Do not use anything.

That’s how Allah created you. God have Power. You don’t.

If you cannot do it, then, what’s up with the big Ego?

Fear Him, for His Power. Love Him, for His Mercy. Granted, God still loves you no matter how many times you turn your back at Him, no matter how many times you condemn God with your action.

He still loves you.

Did someone say foolish wand-waving?

Let’s talk about making choices.

… and how they change your life forever.

Choices, choices darling… oh, how I love and hate making choices.

One choice that I make, for example is when I choose to LIVE. I think someone told me that all HUMAN have promised God during the ALAM ROH to live and serve Allah, right? Technically, WE are the one who ask Allah to live on this earth, right? And Allah GRANTED OUR WISH. 

Though, I think God gave us amnesia since we all could not remember any of it. I hope He returned back the memory when we die though, I mean, aren’t you curious? Just wistful thinking, nothing more.

Then I think back, hey, choosing to live is a big deal. A REALLY BIG DEAL. I mean, it’s literally a one in a lifetime opportunity, I mean; you live once and die only once right? .......just read on.

And then, to live as a khalifah and abd? Now, this is a GREATER deal than just living. I mean, try asking the mountain “hey, do you want to rule the earth for me, please, pretty please, with a cherry on top.” Guess what did the mountain say? “No, thank you.”

So, since there’s no turn back from this choice of living, what to do? Well since God have said that suicide is one way ticket to HELL, so, no thank you to THAT option. Yes, I am being sarcastic.

So, since we have to deal with actually living… lets choose a pathway that does not end with us BURNING IN CRISP in hellfire and only to be revive again to be BURNED IN CRISP again, shall we?

You remember whenever you do a survey you have a choice between YES, NO AND NEUTRAL/NOT SURE? But Akhirat darling does not work that way, there is no such thing as neutral or not sure or midline border, whatever.  God simply give you two choices: HEAVEN or HELL, TO simply BELIEVE or NOT TO BELIEVE.

So, yeah.

Then, the second choice is when I made up my mind to actually learn about islam. Okay, here’s the thing. Key word, actually learn. There’s no foolish wand waving or anything. Nada. I learn knowledge for practicality. I learn so that I know what to do. I don’t learn islam for exam, stupid really. Huh, that’s a thought, learn about islam, get 100 percent but actually are ‘ignorant’ about islam. What’s the point then?

But, learning medicine for exam, yeah, I don’t deny that, but not fully for exam of course. Hey, I’m still trying here.

So, when I attend Islamic lectures or something, I tried to really understand what the lecturer is trying to say and to NOT make this lecture like my PENDIDIKAN ISLAM class in my school years. No more.

For example, I still don’t understand the tidbits about ihsan. As in, I know the definition, but I don’t really ‘KNOW’ it. I mean, at least not enough to actually implement it in every second of my life (if so, then, I would not be sleeping in the evening)

So, when I attend usrah or something. I tried to make every second count.

 If, I found myself noticing that the ‘kakak’ is talking about the same thing all over again but I still don’t get the idea, then I would ask question, I would ask her to clarify it, I would ask her to give me example, anything so that I really understand the importance of it and so that I can implement it in my life, to make the information that I get in the usrah actually meaningful for once and not just some 2 hours lecturers of nothing.

And if I still don’t get it, we postpone with tasbih kfrah and surah al’ asr and continued this conversation later.

To really learn, that’s my choice. What’s yours?

So, before, I realize that my life is a meshwork of what-on-earth-am-I-doing. Then, I realize that I really need to get a life. Then, I make a choice. I make a choice to try and be better.

And if I didn’t make any choice, then what exactly am I doing? What are you doing, darling?

I saw people depending too much on ‘tawakal’ that they forget about ‘usaha’.

I saw people depending too much on ‘doa’ that they forget about ‘usaha’.

And we wonder why non-muslims able to surpass muslims.

I saw people depending too much on ‘usaha’ that they forget about ‘doa’ dan ‘tawakal’

And we wonder why muslims go mad in their efforts to stay up all night and memorized all subjects, and of course, becomes too tired to wake up for subuh.

In order to practice ‘usaha,doa and tawakal’, you must know how to use it.

Usaha. Do your best, don’t practice relying or bothering on others to teach you. Other people have their own things to do. Yes, you should ask lecturers if you don’t understand, and of course your friends. But, try to teach yourself to be independent. Organized your data and do questions.

Use your time wisely, memorize when you have the chance but DON’T ever neglect your solat. Especially your subuh. I don’t think that God will be please if we do it, and your chance of tawakal and doa can go down the toilet. (This advice is for me too)

For this, you have to be flexible. Do not wait until you are in your comfy room before you study. Be prepared to be disturbed in your moment of peace and find ways around them so that you can study.

‘Tawakal and doa’ always, don’t ever forget that the moment you open your book, enter your exam hall and of course when you search for your exam results.

Whatever happens, whether you catch a cold, or something terrible happens, or you fail…be prepared for the worst. Always. Tawakal to Allah. Even if you fail, remember, if you have done your best (usaha), so, you cannot have prevented this from happen. God wanted you to fail. You can only plan, but God is the decision maker.

But, please. Don’t give up. There must be a reason why God give you Fail slip. Maybe, you have done something bad. Sins perhaps? Maybe your method of studying is wrong. If you have done your best, don’t ever blame yourself. Well, maybe you can but don’t dwell it. There’s no use.

God gives you fails or problem because God want to tell us something, and that something is for our own good. Don’t just fall under pressure and give up entirely. That’s not what life wants to teach us.

You are growing up. So, stop acting like a child. Grow up!

Why is it so hard for a person to accept advices? Well maybe because no one likes to be told that they are wrong. But then, how on earth are we ever going to improved ourselves? I mean, look around you. We are blessed with many different things. Yet, we are the laziest people on earth. Oh God. We are too comfortable for our own good. We are UNGRATEFUL brats, especially us, the young adult.

Remember, the empire of Islam is not brought down by the strength of the enemy, but the weakness of the Muslims themselves. Monkey may not be brought down from the trees by the stones that are thrown at them but may be by brought down the soothing wind that cause the Monkey to lose their grasp on the trees.

If we don’t wake up to the reality now, If we get TOO comfortable with our own world, too comfortable by the ‘soothing winds’, WE the Muslims may lose our grasp on the reality and what not, and we all may fall down. And I am not just talking about the solid ground.

By the reality I mean the real world and the hereafter.

Open your eyes for goodness sake. See what’s real and what not. See what’s permanent and what not.

How on earth are we going to going to change for the better without knowing what’s wrong with us? Or even admitting that we are wrong at the first place?

And how on earth are we going to know what’s wrong with us without someone advising us which one is the right one and which one is the wrong ones?

We HAVE to stop waiting to change. We have to stop WAITING until the NEW YEAR’S EVE to change. We have to stop WAITING for disaster to strike BEFORE WE CHANGE. We have to stop waiting. We have to STOP WAITING for a reason TO CHANGE. Like, waiting until eid’fitri or until a relative die of lung cancer before you smoking. How about stop smoking NOW?

Please, stop waiting until the sky falls before you make amend with God.

Please, stop waiting until you lost your loved ones before you realized what you have. Do you know anyone who had recently lost their closest relatives? Try to converse with them.

Remarks and Stories told by my Pathology professor:

1) She was praising one of the students during our case-base-tutorial class when she said “You know, when you go to foreign countries, you’ll be praised a lot, for example, when you’re asked: What day is it? And you replied: Sunday. The person will say: Good~.

2) She was a pathology (study of diseases) professor (my favorite ones, oh, and take note that she’s a professor and not a doctor, she’s completely awesome, except when she asked you question that cannot answer…on second thought, she’s still awesome). So, when she explained about the immune response of the patient who has acute inflammation (abscess in the mid-lateral region). She cleverly said that “I am a pathologist, not an immunologist, so, I am going into a dangerous zone here,”

Even as a professor, she admit that she DO NOT know something. Just something to for us 1st year medical student to ponder on.

3) She said that “the silliest question is the unanswered question.” She said that when none of us would raise our hand to answer her question.

4) Unlike the doctors, most professors that taught us still use the LCD (is that what that thing is called?) So sometime, we, the one sitting at the back, would have problem. The LCD is old, so you cannot make out the words. When she was walking by at our row at the back, one of the brothers complain that he cannot see clearly.

Easily she said: “What? I can see clearly so it does not matter.”

*Today, 16/1, I have hospital visit at HTAA…. Take note that there is no visit to O n G department. Though, I heard that the lecturers that handle us may not follow the schedule.

VISIT 1: Accident & Emergency, and Radiology Dept
(3.30-5pm)

VISIT 2: Ward visits
(Psychiatry/Ortho/Medical)
(2-3.30pm)

For this block, I have immunology, pathology and psychology. Others are histology, biochemistry and internal medicine.

However, I have a feeling that in reading and understanding the above subject, I am neglecting my usrah and non-wordly matters. I mean, it’s simply because there is too much too read. And very little pages of quran read every day.

I hate the fact that I have to sleep late and wake up late for subuh just to finish the reading the above subject.
And I tell you, there’s a LOT more that I haven’t covered yet.

True, people said about managing your time well and what not. DARLING, it is easier than done. It is hard to balance your day; it is hard enough to do that for one day, much less, forever. In my case, I have to do that forever.

Though, I think that I began to appreciate and understand surah al’asr a lot more now yes? Yes, I am grateful for the time that is given to me, every second of it.

I mean, other students may not be able to cherish time as much as we do. They have time to laze around and sleep? We? Of course we can do that, but be prepared to face the consequences.

My advice for the week, if you have time to complain, then, you have time to study. Meaning: Complaining is useless.

Realization; Can you tell me exactly the meaning of that word?

Day by day, I find myself realizing bit by bit about myself. These days, I find myself believing that we DO NOT know ourselves as well as we do.

Like, most of the time I do things that even I myself don’t realize. And the bad thing about this is that, the things that I do (unconsciously) mostly hurt the people surrounding me.

No wonder sins are easy to get.

*Seething with myself. I feel like shouting right now, I’m kind of mad with myself.

I can’t believe how STUPID I am.

How can I not realize that some of the things that I said HURT other people? Bad mouth! I KNOW how it feels to be hurt by people’s words. I KNOW how painful it was. I KNOW that nothing could gain from hurting other people (except for advising). So, WHY DO I KEEP ON DOING IT?

Luckily, I also realize why I kept on doing it…

Cause I am a complete idiot who do not think about others/selfish and

... Don’t actually stop to think about the effects of my word to THAT person.

I mean, try putting yourself in the shoes of the person surrounding you… I know that I’ll be disgusted by myself.

I have to realize that people around me, is NOT me. They have their own problem and their own stories, just like you have yours, just differently. I mean, try to be more attentive to the person’s action and words to certain that comes out of that HOLE IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE…aka mouth.

I guess, just stop and ACTUALLY think! Before you talk, consider about the person you are talking to. What is the appropriate word to use, and what you should NOT say in front of her/ him. period.

Like, I tend to raise my voices, even when I KNOW that raises voices is something that I HATE hearing especially from adults, and of course friends.

Like, I tend to ignore his or her words just because I think ill of that person.

And of course, I LIKE, to cut people’s sentences, very rudely so I might add.

I am quite sure that I have more flaws, but I’ll get back to you, once I find them out… (here kitty kitty, I mean flaw flaw…)

Stupid me, I am really, really sorry for anyone whom I had hurt DUE TO THIS bad mouth of mine.

Though I can’t promise that I’ll stop doing it since I do tend to make mistakes, but I PROMISE I’LL TRY to not do them.

So, if you guys realize any naughty habit of mine, PLEASE, PLEASE advise me on my flaws. Maybe I’ll be peeved for quite some times, but I’ll accept it eventually. And I know that I can trust on you, to prevent me from doing more sins and prevent me from going to hell for that. (nauzubillah)

Human, people, we need to be advice frequently, or else we will end up like the devil that is too ‘stubborn’ and arrogant to admit the truth and end up in hell.

I mean, this is how human is able to be dynamic right? In learning of our fault, we will realize it and cease to do it insyaAllah and of course change for the better. Isn’t it so?

Honestly, I am scared that I’ll be bigheaded in my course of learning medic. Please dear friends, scold me, slap me if you must if you ever see sign of me being so. I hate egoistic and arrogant doctor. Really.

On second thought, just slap me if I’m being that way… and slap some sense to myself. Though, I will appreciate some warning. I’m sure that it’ll most appreciative (well, maybe after I slap you back and get angry for you doing that, haha, hope not!)

Btway: search for videos in youtube title irfan makki: waiting for the call.

I admit, I cried when I first watch it.

These are the lyrics.

Miles away, oceans apart
Never in my sight always in my heart
The love is always there it will never die
Only growing stronger a tears rose down my eye

I am thiking all the time
When the day will come
Standing there before you
Accept this Hajj of mine

Standing in ihram, making my tawaf
Drinking blessings from your well
The challenges that I have suffered
And might were rekindles my imaan

O Allah! I am waiting for the call
Praying for the day when I can be near the Kabah wall
O Allah! I am waiting for the call
Praying for the day when I can be near the Kabah wall
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/i/irfan_makki/waiting_for_the_call.html ]
I feel alive and I feel strong
I can feel Islam running through my Veins
To see my muslim brothers, their purpose all the same
Greeting one another, exalting one True Name
I truly hope one day that everyone's a Muslim.
That they remember you in everything they say

Standing in ihram making my tawaf, making my tawaf
Drinking blessings from your well
The challenges that I have suffered
And might were rekindles my imaan

O Allah! I am waiting for the call
Praying for the day when I can be near the Kabah wall
O Allah! I am waiting for the call
Praying for the day when I can be near the Kabah wall